


Inevitable

by fireflysglow_archivist



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/F, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-31
Updated: 2006-08-31
Packaged: 2019-04-29 07:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14467530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflysglow_archivist/pseuds/fireflysglow_archivist
Summary: Some things just can't last forever.





	Inevitable

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Firefly’s Glow](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Firefly%27s_Glow), and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2018. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Firefly's Glow collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fireflysglow/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** Pre-series and then in-ep for 'Heart of Gold.'

  
Author's notes: Pre-series and then in-ep for 'Heart of Gold.'  


* * *

Inevitable

## Inevitable

1\. 

Fire and passion. beauty and elegance; all tinged with something sharper, something... _more_. 

(These are the things Inara notices first.) 

Dark hair and deep blue eyes that flash with that something-she-can't-quite-identify when they look at each other across the gardens. A smile that seems to make promises and hints at secrets kept, held, saved to be whispered into soft skin in the dark of night. 

(These are the things that make her stop and pause, that compel her to linger in the other woman's path under the pretence of looking around.) 

"Nandi," the woman introduces herself without preamble. "You're new here." 

"Inara," she says, trying to deny that the smile she gets in return is responsible for butterflies that dance in her stomach. "I arrived this morning." 

"Well, Inara," Nandi drawls with a smile, her eyes sweeping Inara's body from head to toe and back again. "Perhaps I can show you around... help make you comfortable here." 

(Inara pretends that the words don't make her shiver, that they don't send lightening bolts of warmth throughout her body; that her cheeks aren't tinted pink and her thoughts aren't going where she wants-but-doesn't-want them to go.) 

"Perhaps you can," she says after a moment, smiling a little. "I think I'd like that." 

* * *

2\. 

Drive and independence and determination are qualities Nandi has that Inara admires and wants to have (but doesn't need, not really, not under Guild law.) 

Nandi talks of things Inara knows the Guild don't approve of and she'll murmur her own responses into Nandi's skin, as though if she speaks any louder she'll be overheard and they'll be punished. They share many things but Inara doesn't share Nandi's fearlessness, her dislike for the rules that bind them, or her growing distain for the way their lives will play out. 

(Secretly, she's not so sure she wants to.) 

Sensuality and confidence and an intuitive knowledge of need. Those are the qualities Nandi has that Inara wants, does need, and is learning to mimic. Her training teaches her many skills, among them how to focus, to draw out pleasure, to help people relax and to divine what it is the person beside her really wants. 

(She practises these skills on Nandi and is always surprised, just a little, to realise that most of the things she discovers are things she already knows.) 

"I don't want this to come to an end," she whispers one night into the darkness, her head on Nandi's shoulder and the warmth of her skin under her palm. "But it will, won't it?" 

She can't see Nandi's face but she knows her smile is tinged with sadness. 

"Everything ends, Inara," Nandi says softly. "It's inevitable." 

Inara says nothing as her eyes sting with unshed tears. They've been together, on and off, since her training began, and she feels such finality in this moment that she can barely breathe. It isn't the answer she wanted. It isn't the answer she thought she'd receive. 

(She feels Nandi tighten her grip as she drifts into a troubled sleep, feels her curl closer and kiss her cheek, and wonders if it's the answer Nandi really wanted to give.) 

* * *

3\. 

They drift apart after they graduate, busy with their clients and requirements. Inara grows into her role and flourishes, her years of practice, natural talent and beauty combining, entwining, to make her a favourite; someone requested, admired and wanted. 

She still meets with Nandi, still falls into her bed when the opportunity arises, but it isn't the same. Their House frowns upon its graduated Companions getting involved and Inara respects that; isn't certain she's quite brave enough to challenge the House's rules. 

She doesn't notice Nandi slipping away from her until she's almost gone, until they're down to once-a-week meetings for tea and reminisces and the occasional night that almost transports her back to the ones they spent together in training. 

(Almost but not quite, because Nandi no longer lingers afterwards for confessions and secret-sharing, doesn't stay in her bed to sleep curled around her, limbs entangled. It's too complicated now, Inara thinks, and Inara has never liked complications.) 

Nandi's discontent is reaching it's peak and Inara doesn't see it. She's too sure of herself with Nandi -- too confident that she knows Nandi well enough to not need to read her, to look deeper -- and too busy trying to talk herself into denial about her true feelings. 

She isn't allowed love Nandi this much or this way, not any more, and so she refuses to let herself see the truth that's reflected in Nandi's eyes, or the sadness and hurt her own denial causes them both. 

The day she finally verbalises that denial, fingers brushing lightly against Nandi's cheek as she says something inane and false and not-quite-what-she-intended about how _this is fun, but maybe we shouldn't do it anymore_ , is the beginning of the end. 

(She assumes that they can simply stay friends and both be content, and somehow manages to make herself forget that Nandi doesn't settle. Ever. That she won't settle for less than what she wants, not even for her.) 

* * *

4\. 

She sits on her bed and stares blankly at the woman that's always been able to captivate her, who's always had a hold over her, trying to take in what it is that she's just said. 

There are shadows in Nandi's eyes that she doesn't remember seeing before, and the passion and fire she's always been drawn to is muted. 

Inara heard about the accident at practice this morning and knew it would cause problems, but she didn't expect it to result in this. Nandi has never played demure as easily as she does, but she's still a formidable and talented Companion. 

Nandi regards her steadily, composed on the surface and tortured beneath. 

(Now that Inara's looking again, what she sees is tearing her apart.) 

"You can't leave," Inara whispers. 

(And what she means is you can't leave _me_.) 

"Nandi... you can't." 

Nandi's gaze is soft and sad but she holds firm to her decision, even when Inara rises shakily to her feet and crosses the room to stand in front of her. 

"I wouldn't have stayed this long without you," Nandi confesses quietly, sharing her secrets in the light instead of the shadows because it's all they have left. "I can't stay here any more, Inara." 

"I don't want you to go," Inara says. 

( _I need you_ and _I love you_ are what she doesn't.) 

Nandi smiles in a way that doesn't reach her eyes and lays her fingertips against Inara's cheek. Nandi's touch still makes her skin tingle and Inara steps forward to close the distance between them, her hands resting at Nandi's waist. 

"I love you too," Nandi whispers and kisses Inara for what feels like the last time. 

"If you love me then don't leave me," Inara says, ignoring the tears that spill down her cheeks and the fact that Nandi reads her so easily. "I don't want to lose you." 

Nandi kisses her cheek once before she stepping away. 

"You already have," she says, not unkindly. "Or maybe it's as simple as we lost each other." 

Nandi stops at the door and turns to face her, looking at her in a way that Inara, for all her training, doesn't fully understand. They've disagreed about the expectations of their House before, expressed their displeasure with the way some aspects of their lives are handled, but Nandi's never hinted that it would come to this; Inara's (almost) certain of that. 

"Nandi..." she pleads, taking a step forward, "There has to be another way." 

It isn't her fault that the Guild doesn't allow this, that the rules they live by have destroyed the once-unshakable foundation of their relationship. They're bound by those rules -- she thought they both understood that. This is all they're allowed to have. 

"Do you know," Nandi says, ignoring Inara's plea as she opens the door, "That no matter what your body says, you've never once told me you love me?" 

* * *

5\. 

In the dark of night, the time that always belonged to the two of them, she rages to herself against the unfairness of the way things are; confesses her secrets to herself because she has no one else to tell, and finally decides that, if she could start over, she would have chosen to follow Nandi. 

(She didn't realise, until she was told, that she'd never verbalised her feelings. She didn't realise that, to Nandi, it made such a difference.) 

The House tell her she isn't allowed any contact, that she'll be disciplined if it's found that they've been in communication, but this isn't why she doesn't call. 

Nandi's departure made her stronger, braver, and more willing to speak out -- she would have gone up against the House for this -- but she simply doesn't know what to say, or how to say she's sorry for what she did and didn't do. 

She doesn't know how to say thank you for everything Nandi taught her and she doesn't know how to say that she still wants her back. 

(She's doesn't know how to say she still loves her, and this is why she doesn't call.) 

* * *

6\. 

She learns to live with her feelings, to lock them away deep down inside herself. She takes her clients, has the odd (if brief) relationship, and moves on as best as she can. She doesn't speak of Nandi to anyone -- keeps her memories as private as possible because they're all she has -- and eventually even the dreams stop. 

She works hard and stays focused, makes herself the best of the best their House has to offer; perfects her craft and hones her skills until she finds herself in line for House Priestess, until she finds herself suffocating under everyone else's expectations. 

She can't pinpoint the exact moment she realises she doesn't want to do this anymore, she only knows that it's arrived and it's her time to leave, her turn to try exploring the world outside of what she has now. 

The night before the morning she hears of the vacancy on Serenity, she dreams of Nandi. She doesn't know why the dreams have returned, she only knows she wakes feeling out of sorts, yet full of determination. 

(It's her dream that drives her to make sure she secures herself a place on Serenity.) 

* * *

7\. 

Many months later, she finds herself staring at Nandi across space as her oldest friend asks her for a favour she knows she won't refuse. Nandi is no less beautiful than Inara remembers, but there's a hardness to her eyes and expression that wasn't as pronounced the last time they saw each other. 

(She wonders what kind of life it is Nandi's been leading to put it there.) 

Seeing her in person forces Inara to call upon all her training to keep her emotions in check. They greet each other as old friends would, letting nothing about their interaction suggest to anyone how close they used to be, and it's believable enough that even Inara's left wondering if Nandi feels anything of what she used to feel. 

She wishes -- and not for the first time -- that Mal's feelings for her were less obvious. To the Companion-trained Nandi they would be clear as a neon sign, and she doesn't want Nandi to get the wrong idea before they've had a chance to talk. 

(She's too late, in the end, to prevent that from happening.) 

* * *

8\. 

If she'd known that Serenity would reunite her with Nandi only to tear them apart for good, she wouldn't have come. She wants to turn back time, to return to the point where she missed Nandi but could pretend she was out there, somewhere, instead of knowing exactly where she is -- in the ground, on the planet she built a new life on. 

(Without Inara.) 

It haunts her that she didn't get the chance to say goodbye, that Nandi died without understanding how Inara really felt. She doesn't know if it was lack of practice or simple denial that kept Nandi from reading her properly, she only knows that Nandi's last night was spent with Mal when it should have been with her. 

The devastation that left her shaking, crying and broken, after running into Mal as he left that morning, is nothing compared to what she feels now. 

There are no more chances to be had, no more opportunities to put things right, to go back and whisper the three words she never said aloud into Nandi's ear. She's out of time. 

It wasn't supposed to end like this. 

(It wasn't supposed to end at all.) 

* * *

9\. 

She wakes when someone trails their fingers down her arm, her eyes snapping open in alarm until she registers the sound of someone whispering and recognises the voice. 

"River?" she asks, confused, squinting in the dim light. "Why are you here?" 

"Secrets," River whispers, as though she hasn't heard, kissing Inara's bare shoulder in a way that's heartbreakingly familiar. "Secrets to be told in the dark, in a whisper, because-- shh, no one can hear us then, not in the dark, and if they can't hear us then--" 

"River," Inara says again, helplessly, wanting her to stop. 

"Everything ends, Inara," River whispers words that Inara has never forgotten, words she shouldn't know but does, because she's River and that's just how River is. "It's inevitable." 

Inara starts to cry, tears soaking her pillow and tremors wracking her body, and River whispers soft, nonsensical phrases as she strokes Inara's hair the way Nandi used to do. 

Inara pays her no heed, consumed by her grief, until River leans in closer to kiss her cheek, lips lingering by her ear as she says, "She didn't forget, you know. There was just no darkness, so she couldn't tell you her secrets." 

Inara freezes, sitting up when River slides out of bed and walks silently to the door. She looks like a ghost in her long white nightgown, and Inara has enough ghosts already. 

"River--" 

"Everything ends," River whispers, framed in the doorway. "She loves you too." 

* * *

10\. 

The morning after the day they buried Nandi, the morning after River visited her in the darkness, she tells Mal she's leaving Serenity. 

(It will be easier, she thinks, if she gets herself off this ship.)

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

Title:   **Inevitable**   
Author:   **fickitten**   [website]   
Details:   **Standalone**  |  **PG**  |  ***slash***  |  **13k**  |  **08/31/06**   
Characters:  Inara, Other \- Nandi   
Pairings:  Inara/Nandi   
Summary:  Some things just can't last forever.   
Notes:  Pre-series and then in-ep for 'Heart of Gold.'   
  



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